Because I’ve loved David Spade since “Just Shoot Me” and “The Emperor’s New Groove”; and they are identical twins.
Cole Sprouse as Travis Maldonado
Cole Sprouse recently posted this photo on Instagram with the caption “How to polarize a young fanbase.” Let’s just say, I remain undeterred. Plus I feel like melancholy is his wheelhouse.
Lisa Emery as Travis' Mom, Cheryl Maldonado
If you’ve seen Ozark, you know. I fucking love Arlene as the “loving mother”, and I would love to see Lisa play that role minus the crazy murderous characteristics.
Shia LaBeouf as John Finlay
Shia is a bit old to play John, imho, but actors in their late 20’s play high school students all the time so fuck it. Also, we love John but like, he’s a bit weathered so again, fuck it.
Zac Efron as Dillon Passage
Again, a bit old but FUCK IT. I couldn’t think of anyone better.
Woody Harrelson as Erik Cowie
If you’ve seen season 1 of True Detective, you get it.
Matthew McConaughey as John Reinke
See above explanation.
Brandon Baker as Saff Saffery
Because I am not an expert on gender identity, but if someone identifies as a man, maybe it would be cool to have a man play him in the movie? Just saying…
Haley Joel Osment as Joshua Dial
Because they’re closer in age than Joshua and Jonah Hill.
AIden Gillen as Jeff Lowe
If you’ve seen Game of Thrones and you look at the next match, you’ll understand.
Sophie Turner as Lauren Lowe
Didn’t I tell you?
Tom Hardy as Allen Glover
Age. 2. Resemblance
Will Ferrell as Doc "Bhagavan" Antle
Because, of COURSE!
Norman Reedus as Tim Stark
It just feels right.
Eric Stonestreet as James Garretson
The double chin had to be honoured.
Patricia Arquette as Carole Baskin
If you’ve seen Boardwalk Empire…
Steve Buscemi as Howard Baskin
You know.
Ed Harris as Rick Kirkham
Was there ever any doubt?
The CGI tigers from Aladdin as all the tigers in captivity.
Because enough tigers were harmed irl.