I never thought I’d have a “9-5”. A decent job with regular hours, and a steady paycheck? Nah… not for me.
As a creative, I was convinced that an office job would suck the life out of me; that the routine of it would be monotonous; that it would be boring; that I’d hate my life; that it would always be something I was trying to escape; that it was the “safe” choice, and that that was somehow “bad”; that it would mean I’d given up on my dreams; that I’d be settling; that it could never make me happy.
So I gravitated towards jobs that were chaotic and exciting - like the hospitality industry - but those environments were ultimately very unhealthy, for me.
I can totally understand how the “9-5” got a bad rap, but working at a job you hate with people you can’t stand is not exclusive to or synonymous with office work.
When I realized that my job as a server and bar manager weren’t healthy, I stayed - like someone in an abusive relationship - because I was too scared to leave. Sure, I had a university degree but what other jobs was I even qualified to apply for? Plus, what I really I wanted to do was act, so I needed a job with the flexibility to book time off if I landed a gig. Putting my tips into my wallet at the end of the night was like accepting a diamond bracelet from my abuser; the subsequent drinks I’d have at the end of the shift helped convince myself that it wasn’t so bad, like yet another promise that “it’ll never happen again”.
Between the guests and management, I was disrespected, degraded and taken advantage of on every shift.
When I finally did muster up the courage to leave, for the last time, I left everything - including my partner at the time - in Vancouver.
When I got back to Ontario, I was homeless. I lived out of my truck for months; and I’m not talking about #vanlife, I mean, all of my belongings were packed in the bed of my truck and I was couch surfing to avoid having to sleep in the cab. I did that once and even though it was summer, the nights were cold. (I wrote a detailed blog about that time in my life which you can read: HERE)
After handing out hundreds of resumes for a variety of positions, I finally landed a gig as a nanny. They agreed to be reasonably flexible with my acting engagements, and I got to hang out with their two dogs all day. I ran errands, chauffeured the kids around, experimented with vegetarian recipes in their state of the art kitchen and did the laundry. Not a bad gig, but I was still having panic attacks regularly. Sometimes I’d spend all day crying. Thankfully it wasn’t a job where I had to be around people all day and I could sulk behind sunglasses if I had to walk the dogs or pick up the kids from school.
Why was I still so unhappy? I had a job, I found an apartment, what was I missing?
As it turns out, it wasn’t just the environment of a restaurant/bar - a place where I was harassed, attacked, and assaulted as an employee and as a patron - that was causing these panic attacks, a big part of it was was the lack of appreciation, respect and consideration from management, and from the guests.
Here I was thinking I was leaving it all in the past, when really I just gave my situation a facelift; like reupholstering a really uncomfortable couch.
I had zero boundaries, did whatever I was asked to do, and was constantly going above and beyond my job description to please. I was just so grateful to have a job at all that I was willing to do anything to keep it. On top of that, I always felt like I was about to get fired and that my entire world would be pulled out from under me at any moment. Between rent, car insurance, and vehicle repairs, I was barely making it pay check to pay check. I needed the car to do the job, and I needed the job to keep a roof over my head, but I wasn’t getting ahead. The stress of it all kept me in a perpetual state of hyperarousal, otherwise known as fight or flight mode. It made my window of tolerance so small that any breeze coming through it would knock me to the floor.
I’ve since recognized that they were lucky to have me - not the other way around; but if I’d understood that at the time, I would have said no when I didn’t want to do something above and beyond my job requirements without feeling guilty. I would have created boundaries that protected my time and ensured I didn’t feel taken advantage of. I would have stood up for myself, to them and to myself.
Because it’s not always about creating boundaries with others; often it’s about creating them with ourselves.
Deciding what you will and will not put up with; when you will and will not put their needs above your own; when you’ll prioritize your own well being above the need to please others for fear of losing something, like your job, or your life.
Unfortunately, this all ties back to the sexual assault and harassment I’ve experienced in my life. A collection of moments that conditioned my body and mind to exist almost exclusively in either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. My power had been taken away from me on so many occasions, I was depleted, empty and yet overwhelmed with emotions and incapable of controlling them. (more about my history of sexual abuse HERE)
But I didn’t make this connection until after the universe had already taken control.
I wish I could say I came to this realization and made some drastic changes in my life but to be honest, it really wasn’t my doing at all. Things just kind of fell into place. My mechanic refused to keep working on my old 2003 Jeep Liberty because it just wasn’t worth fixing anymore, but I couldn’t afford to buy a new car, and without a car, I couldn’t continue working as a nanny. So they let me go and I decided to take advantage of all the years I’d paid into employment insurance and use that until I found a new job.
I knew if I was operating out of a place of desperation that I’d take whatever came my way, and that wouldn’t turn out well. So having that little bit of employment insurance would be enough to get by until the right job came along.
I interviewed for and was offered a job as a mover/packer, but their clientele was similar to the people I’d nannied for and I knew it wasn’t the drastic change I needed.
My passion was filmmaking. Whether it was in front of or behind the camera, as long as I was involved, I was living my best life. I may have started out as an actress but I’ve since done set and costume design, held the boom and watched for continuity; hell I’ve even volunteered to do craft services! The environment is infectious with energy, curiosity, and delight, and it’s always such a blast to be a part of the process.
The film industry is where I wanted to be. I just had to figure out how to get paid to be there lol
I reached out to people I knew who were working in the industry and let them know I was available. Ready and willing to take literally any position that paid.
I ended up landing in a production office where I got to work for a couple days, printing sides and call sheets and picking up coffee & lunch. I was like a pig in shit. I fucking loved it.
I had just lined up another gig for the following week when covid hit.
Let me just say that this pandemic has hit most people with unimaginable challenges, and while I acknowledge and honour that, I have to say, it’s brought some much needed change and clarity to my life...
I moved in with my boyfriend and his incredible family. Coming home to them is like walking into a Japanese restaurant, it’s amazing.
I’ve been working on new music like crazy. The fact that the person I’m in love with is also my producer/creative partner, is not something I take for granted. I truly never thought I would find someone who makes me feel like I can have it all; someone that would not only support me in my creative pursuits but also contribute their own time and energy to making them a reality. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and on top of that, we make some pretty rad music together.
As much as I love acting, I realized that I actually hate auditioning. So much so, that I decided to leave my agent. For a while it felt like I was giving up on my dreams, but eventually I realized that my dreams are just changing, and that’s okay. The film industry isn’t going anywhere, and I can always go back to acting if I want to. Plus I get to scratch that itch when I’m making music videos so it’s not like I’m leaving that part of myself to die lol just benching it for now.
I set some important boundaries with family that have resulted in us being closer than ever. The strains of the pandemic brought so much truth to the surface, and that forced me to take a hard look at my relationships with friends and family. I always said I was someone who “picked their battles” but the truth is that I just let so much slide until I’d blow up. So I’m learning to speak up when I feel hurt - instead of letting it fester - and it feels so much better.
The direction things are heading in feels so clear and so bright; rich with possibilities and opportunities I’d never imagined. And this career change has a lot to do with it.
Thankfully I made a good impression on my boss at the job I had before covid hit, and she called me up in August to ask if I wanted to join her as a production assistant on her next show. I accepted immediately.
I worked with her on two consecutive shows from September until March. If you’re not familiar with the film industry, an office production assistant is pretty much the bottom of the food chain LOL I was basically doing the same job I did as a nanny. Sometimes people even brought their dogs into the office! LOL I was picking up lunch, running errands, making deliveries... Needless to say I spent a lot of time in my rental car listening to podcasts. And yes, they got me a rental car because driving was such a huge part of the job. A normal practice in the film industry but a very wonderful surprise for me considering my previous employment.
All in all, it was a great gig! And the people I worked for made me feel so appreciated. It was definitely a step in the right direction but I still felt like I needed to find my place in the industry; I needed something to work towards.
That’s when I found out how much film accountants make.
My amazing boss at the time told me that I didn’t need an accounting degree to be a film accountant, that there was an apprenticeship program through the Directors Guild of Canada - and it was cheap in comparison to another 6 years in school.
I had been toying with the idea of going back to school, yet again, to become an accountant, but the dread of going further into debt was paralyzing.
I realized my affinity for accounting when I was at George Brown College for Fashion Management. Accounting 101 is a mandatory course and I loved it. I ended up going into my accounting exam with 110% grade, and left with an A+. Considering I hated math in high school and still don’t have my multiplication table memorized, this was a shock to me.
I had always considered myself to be a “creative”. Who was this number-loving nerd I had unearthed? I was as confused about myself in that moment as I was the morning after I hooked up with my female housemate at university. It shook my whole world upside down and everything I thought I knew about myself was turned on it’s head.
But just like in university, I filed that information away in my brain and did nothing about it. Financially speaking, going back to school simply was not an option.
So when the opportunity to go into the field of accounting came up - in the industry I loved - you best believe I jumped in with both feet!
Now, only a couple months after applying to the apprenticeship, I’m two weeks into my new job as a trainee assistant accountant training under an incredible woman who’s as excited about taking me under her wing as I am to be here.
And I have my old boss to thank for it.
She told me about the program, and then she found me this job! I mean, if I didn’t know any better I’d think she actually disliked me and was trying to get rid of me! LOL I guess I’ll never know ;)
If you’re still reading this... you’re probably thinking “ok cool, get to the point lady, I ain’t got all day!”
